RICH: Good Morning, once again. This is Rich Galen at the Mullings Cable News headquarters. Let's bring you up-to-date on our coverage - Continuous and Never-Ending - of, "Osama: Let's End the Drama."
First, to the Pentagon and our correspondent, Joe Btfsplk. Joe? What's the military brass saying about where bin Laden might be hiding?
BTFSPLK: Good Morning, Rich. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld isn't tipping his hand, but unofficial sources in and around this building say they're getting pretty close.
RICH: Joe, are these sources in a position to actually know where bin Laden might be?
BTFSPLK: If the old saying about "an army traveling on its stomach" is correct, then these sources - members of a highly specialized unit which is trained in the food service area - are perfectly placed to be well-informed. They are telling us that bin Laden is now in Argentina where he is being hidden by a group known as al-Odessa.
RICH: Thank you, Joe. Now to the woman who, like Cher and Madonna, no longer needs a last name. To Fa-la-la-la-la-la-bad, where our own Queen of the Desert - Ashleigh - is standing by. Ashleigh? Where is bin Laden?
ASHLEIGH: Rich, as you can see from this very, very dramatic shot of me through, what used to be, the windows of a burned-out truck, with the setting sun just over my right shoulder, we don't think he's here.
RICH: Ashleigh, if I can just interrupt � Is your hair getting lighter?
ASHLEIGH: That - that would be uh. No. The sun. Back there. Over my right shoulder. I don't know. But to highlight what we DO know: A local commander here has told MCN that radio traffic containing bin Laden's voice suggests he left some time ago and is, in fact, living in New Mexico posing as an itinerant sculptor where he is being protected by a group known as al-Taos.
RICH: Excellent report, Ashleigh. Good highlights, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. We now understand that Gerry Rivers is ready for his semi-hourly report. Gerry.
RIVERS: Rich, I'm whispering because we are in an elevator within the Prudential Tower in downtown Boston which is the home of the Gillette Company.
We - my brother, my second-cousin and his girlfriend, a couple of pals from high-school, a camera man, a sound technician, a producer, Al Sharpton's publicist, and my make-up artist - have secretly followed US intelligence agents to this building where they are looking for clues that a carton of a new, highly classified Gillette shaving system has been smuggled into Afghanistan.
RICH: To what end, Gerry?
RIVERS: That's a brilliant question, Rich. We believe the six-foot-five Osama bin Laden has now shaved, put on western clothing, changed his name to Gulliver, and moved to Indonesia where he is being sheltered by a group known as al-Lippo.
RICH: Whew! Gerry Rivers. Risking possibly fatal nicks and cuts for all of us right here on the Mullings Cable News network.
Let's bring in our military analyst, Retired Private First Class Jim "Spuds" Ryan. Spuds, where do your contacts in military intelligence suggest Osama might be?
RYAN: If we can go to the map, Rich, we see that the US military is now concentrating its efforts here along the southern coast of France-
RICH: -Monaco?
RYAN: That's right. Monaco. Captured al-Qaida documents indicate that, when the video cams weren't rolling and Osama wasn't wiping his nose on his kofia, he continually expressed a strong desire to put on a tuxedo, light a Player's cigarette, saunter up to a baccarat table, and utter the words: bin Laden. Osama bin Laden.
RICH: Thank you, Private Ryan. Now to MCN's Senior Ethics Advisor, Emma Smith whose new book, "Republicans: Everyone I Know Hates Them," is the featured review in this Sunday's New York Times book section. Professor Smith, how is the Bush Administration doing?
SMITH: Almost all of my friends believe that George W. Bush - and I'm choosing my words quite carefully here - is so anti-feminist that the Taliban might actually be an improvement.
RICH: What about Karen Hughes, Condoleeza Rice, and Elaine Chao to name but three senior women?
SMITH: They don't count.
RICH: Interesting.
SMITH: Don't�you�patronize�me. Just because you have a p-
RICH: -AHH � Well, that concludes this hour's update. Stay with the Mullings Cable News for coverage - Continuous and Never-Ending - of, "Osama: Let's End the Drama."
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