Mullings: An American Cyber-column By Rich Galen

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First Blizzard of the Season

Rich Galen

Wednesday December 7, 2005

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It snowed in Your Nation's Capital Monday night.

The local television news channels had T*E*A*M C*O*V*E*R*A*G*E of the impending blizzard, complete with breathless interviews by reporters (wearing enough clothing to winter over in Antarctica) of guys about to climb into their salt trucks, sounding like they were preparing to deliver relief supplies to soldiers in Tikrit: "They've been on the roads since 4:30 this morning, Cynthia, pre-salting the roads to make our highways safer for all of us. Now back to you in your nice warm studio."

When the camera switched back to the news set we were Blinded by the Blondes: Anchors laughing soooo hard because that line was soooo funny it would likely make everyone forget that Uncle Miltie ever even existed. If the 22-year-old geniuses in front of the camera would have known that Uncle Miltie ever had, in fact, existed.

Businesses and schools closed early. Evening civic, cultural, and academic events were cancelled. The "Traffic-and-Weather-Together-on-the-Eights" radio station soberly reported that rush hour had begun shortly after noon. HOV lane restrictions were lifted.

There was not a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk nor a carton of eggs left at any Safeway in the National Capitol Area. I had filled the Mullmobile (a four-wheel drive SUV for those who came in late) with fuel and packed it with MREs, space blankets, plastic jugs of water, bags of kitty litter and enough batteries to put a smile on � well, never mind that now.

Dear Mr. Mullings:

Was there a sorority house joke in there somewhere?

Signed,
The Specialty Electronics Manufacturers Association

I assure you, I have absolutely no idea what you might be talking about.

On Tuesday morning every TV and radio station switched to its snow day format. "In Virginia, the Mullings School for Hopelessly Incorrigible Children will operate on 'code orange' and will open two hours late."

Thing is: The Federal Government doesn't like to close unless the schools do because too many government employees have no one to watch their kids and would have to take a day off. When that circumstance does occur, it announced as "A liberal leave policy is in effect today."

Does this happen in real life, too?

Before leaving Tuesday morning, I put on my new Brooks Brothers sweater, my extremely trendy scarf (which I was shocked I had not lost since the previous winter), my very excellent leather jacket, my Washington Nationals baseball cap, and my gloves (which were in the seat-section of the Skippy Scooter and smelled like gasoline because I had lost my regular gloves).

When I finally pushed my way out of the front door of Mullings Central I could clearly see that it had, in fact, snowed and snow covered the flower beds next to the houses and the grass strips next to the road where the dogs poop.

I also saw that the Mullmobile's windshield, BOTH sideview mirrors and the back window were not only covered with snow but all three windshield wipers had FROZEN to the glass. While there was not quite as much snow on the sidewalks and the streets as I had been led to believe (which is to say none), I nevertheless shouted the three words most often heard in American today:

Where is FEMA?

Serious Note: Mullpal Susan Feeney who is the producer of NPR's All Things Considered used to be a reporter for the New Orleans Times-Picayune. After Hurricane Katrina, the paper moved up to Baton Rouge and immediately began to publish a four-pager. Susan sent this appeal yesterday which I commend to your attention:

Hey Rich:
As you may know, I've been raising money for families at my old newspaper who were hit hard by Katrina. We started this fund not having any idea how deep need is. More than 170 families have registered for help.
I'm writing to all my soft-hearted friends who appreciate great journalism. We're about to cut checks so there is some urgency. Please consider posting for your readers.
They can give at our web site: FriendsoftheTimesPicayune.com
Susan

Friends help friends.

On the Secret Decoder Ring today: The dictionary definition of "blizzard" which is exactly what you think it is; Uncle Miltie; a Mullfoto showing the snowy wasteland which is 21st Street, NW in Washington, DC; and an extremely disturbing Catchy Caption of the Day.

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