-- Typhoon John Quincy Adams will blow ashore just as your nine passenger plane is attempting to land, with Skippy-the-Pilot at the controls.

-- Your luggage, like your stomach, will not arrive with you.

-- Faye, the gate agent, cannot - or will not - tell you when your luggage and your various body parts might be reunited.

-- The rental car, a Kia - a KIA! - will cost 80 dollars per day which is because, you will be told by the Are-Actors-Hired-To-Do-These-Jobs-Or-Are-They-Really-Like-This rental car guy, "We're still on summer rates."

-- You will ask when winter rates kick in.

-- The guy will stare at you like you are from Alexandria, Virginia or someplace equally strange and say, with no sense of humor, "In the winter."

-- You will pay at least 50 percent more for everything because, you will be told, everything needs to be shipped in.

-- You will point out that, for instance, Maxwell House coffee is not shipped in directly from Sumatra but via a 30 minute ferry ride.

-- The kid behind the counter (who is a Car-Rental-Person-In-Training) will stare at you like you are from Alexandria, Virginia or someplace equally strange and say, with no sense of humor ... nothing.

-- You will attend your nephew's wedding where, having been reminded by the Mullings Director of Standards & Practices that you made your entire family schlep all the way to Marietta, Ohio for YOUR wedding exactly 30 October 14ths ago, you will act nicely.

-- Then you will go home.