Mullings A Political Cyber Column By Rich Galen

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Friday, April 21, 2000

Associated Press lead last night: "While tempers flare and passions rise in the five-month Elian Gonzalez custody case, President Clinton is standing back and leaving the decisions to Attorney General Janet Reno." This is Clinton-speak for "let her twist slowly, slowly in the wind."

Janet Reno has, reportedly, approved plans for the government to go in and get the boy which might have happened by the time you read this. A better time to do it would be on Saturday night which would be after Good Friday, but would use Easter Sunday to dampen demonstrations in the heavily Catholic Cuban-American community.

Report from the Mullings Science Desk: "A quasar that appears in telescopes as a red speck of dust in the constellation Sextans may be the oldest, most distant object ever glimpsed by humans."

Bill Clinton, upon hearing about the quasar discovery, issued orders to organize a Presidential visit to the constellation Sextans to coincide with Elian Gonzalez snatch ensuring he is as far away as physics will allow. 72 spaceships are being fueled as we speak.

Earth Day tomorrow! Judging from the breathless promos on National Public Radio this week, billions and billions of people will be on the Mall in Washington, DC. I hope they will eat the left over bologna on white bread sandwiches not consumed by the demonstrators who were jailed in the course of last week's IMF/World Bank meetings. It's a thrill-a-minute in Your Nation's Capital.

The National Institutes of Heath will have first aid stations set up to remove splinters from the forearms and faces of those whose affection for trees overcomes them.

This is true. One of the many sites devoted to making us all better people is titled, "101 Ways to Save the Planet." Number 80 is: Carpool to the ski slopes.

According to Reuters, Vice President Al Gore arranged to be in Detroit, home of the automotive industry, today to "renew his embattled eight-year-old call to abolish the internal combustion engine."

Let's see, Al "I-Invented-The-Environment" Gore would have gone to Detroit on his Vice Presidential jet airplane causing other aircraft to divert from his path enroute and be placed in a circular holding pattern until his plane lands.

Then, he will have traveled to the site of the event in a jillion car motorcade complete with motorcycles, vans, ambulances, armored limousines, and buses. The route of the motorcade may well be blocked causing hundreds of cars to idle needlessly waiting for him to pass.

Gosh! The air smells cleaner already.

The City of the People's Republic of Alexandria, Virginia is holding an Earth Day celebration tomorrow as well. In the spirit of saving energy, the following is posted on their web site: "The park is located near the Cora Kelly Recreation Center. Take ( Route 1 North) to East Reed Avenue and make a left. East Reed Avenue turns into West Reed Avenue, make a right at the intersection of West Reed Avenue and Commonwealth Avenue, go to the end of Commonwealth the site is on the left." If you miss it, go around and wait for the Vice President's plane to land in Detroit.

More proof that Darwin was wrong: Of the top five cable shows last week numbers one and five were the back-to-back showings of the absolutely remarkable Discovery Channel presentation, "Walking with Dinosaurs." Numbers two, three, and four were wrestling programs were not, but should have been, named: "Brawling with Dinosaurs."

Number 12 on the list of most popular cable programs was the NFL draft with a rating of 2.4. That means nearly two and a half million households had someone sitting around all day watching NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue say: "The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are on the clock."

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Copyright © 2000 Richard A. Galen

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