A headline in the Tucson Arizona "Sun" topped an AP story by medical editor Daniel Q. Haney: "Obesity Becoming a Problem in World's Remotest Places."
We don't have enough aggravation? Terrorism isn't enough? Recession isn't enough? Global warming? Accounting discrepancies? Now we have to face a plague of fat people?
We go now, to our Mullings Cable Network headquarters in Alexandria, Virginia where MCN's chief anchorman Rich Galen will help us cover this breaking story.
GALEN: Good morning, ladies and gentleman. This Associated Press report comes out of the Cook Islands in the South Pacific, so let's start with our South Sea Islands reporter, Fletcher Christian:
CHRISTIAN: Thank you, Rich. The population here is under very close scrutiny since it became known that 52 percent of the men and fully 57 percent of the women are officially obese.
GALEN: And upon whom shall blame fall now, Mr. Christian?
CHRISTIAN: No one's certain, Rich, and that's the cause of a great deal of anxiety here.
GALEN: Fletch, you appear to be standing in front of - what looks for all the world like - a Kentucky Fried Chicken store.
CHRISTIAN: [Picture fades to hash]
GALEN: We appear to have lost our signal. Let's go now to Very Very Ashleigh in Afghanistan to see how this story is affecting US military operations there.
ASHLEIGH: Because of the extensive sources I have developed here, Rich, I can report that there is no word in any of the Afghan languages for "fat person."
GALEN: Another excellent insight. Now for the Guantanamo Bay connection, to our Pentagon correspondent Jim Mxsztqkgvski:
MXSZTQKGVSKI: Rich, MCN has learned that a team from Amnesty International, just arrived in Cuba from Paris, has lodged a formal complaint which states - quoting here - "If there are people anywhere on the Earth who are getting too much to eat, then the detainees in Cuba should be given the same treatment."
GALEN: Now to the State Department, and our diplomatic correspondent, Very Very Andrea:
ANDREA: Rich, the United Nations Human Rights Commission has just issued a statement demanding in the strongest possible terms that the United States Government - quote - Immediately release its strategic reserves of battery operated Ab-O-Cizers - unquote.
GALEN: To Capitol Hill and chief political correspondent Carl Cameron-Swayze.
CAMERON-SWAYZE: Just moments ago, Rich, Tom Daschle and Dick Gephardt issued a joint statement stating that this - quote - Outbreak of obesity among the working families of the world, is a direct result of the Bush tax cuts - unquote. James Carville said, "This gives entirely new meaning to the phrase Republican Fat Cats."
GALEN: To our media watchdog, Howie Hurtz:
HURTZ: Rich, we have just received an advance copy of an editorial The New York Times is preparing for tomorrow's editions:
"The United States, for too long, has been exporting terror of its own; not in the form of bombs, but in the form of fat grams. Every time a McDonalds, a Wendy's, a Burger King, or a Pizza Hut shows up on a formerly pristine shore, it has exactly the same effect as the Spanish Conquistadors had on the Incas and the Mayas. It is high time that the Bush Administration admits its complicity in, and its support of, this insidious activity and pledge to sign the Campaign Finance Reform bill."
GALEN: We have our show business reporter, Juanita Rivera, on the line. Juanita?
RIVERA: Rich, once again, Hollywood has stepped up to the plate. Rosy O'Donnell, John Goodman, Rob Reiner, and none other than Oprah Winfrey herself, have announced the establishment of the "Orson Wells Center for the Study of the Massively Challenged" to investigate the causes and cures of this debilitating condition.
GALEN: And proud we are, Juanita, of our show biz folk. [Pause] That concludes our special report on: "Cook Island Obesity: Fat or Fiction?" I'm Rich Galen. We return you now to our continuing team coverage of: "French Figure Skating Judges. Is it Any Wonder They Lost Every War?"
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