Click here for an Easy Print Version

From ABC News' "The Note:"

[An open secret in Washington] for the past several weeks has been Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi's search for a message meister ... Pelosi is consulting with former Clinton mouthpieces Mike McCurry and Joe Lockhart ... But no clear contender yet."

Fearing nothing, I leap into the breach.

Dear Mrs. Pelosi:

It has come to my attention that you are looking for a spokesman - spokesperson. May I discuss this language thing for a moment? Person ends with the letters SON which is highly offensive to me and, I assume, you. Perhaps we should take the last three letters of the word "People" - "PLE" and subtract the distasteful "SON" in the word "Person" to make it less gender specific, thus: Per-ple.

You know that's one of those really good ideas which doesn't end up exactly where you thought it should.

I would like to introduce myself:

-- I have been in politics for most of my adult life.
-- I have served in both the House and the Senate.
-- I made a cameo appearance in your daughter Alexandra's film, "Journeys with George"
-- I read Michael Beschloss' book about Roosevelt and Truman all the way to the end.
-- Tim Russert knows me by my first name.

Some in your office might attempt to torpedo my application by pointing out that I am a Republican. I assure you that nothing, Madam Leader, could be further from the truth.

Indeed I have been - like Pete Townshend - operating undercover for lo these many years and, if may I say, I have been very effective.

You might remember that I was Dan Quayle's press secretary when he was a Congressman and a Senator.

You might also remember I was Newt Gingrich's press secretary when he was Republican Whip and ran the political communications operation when he was Speaker.

Five words, Madam Leader:

Look ...Where ...They ... Are ... Now.

In fact, I am in Iowa today. To prove the point, I intend to use my speech before the Iowa ACG to announce my candidacy for President - AS A DEMOCRAT. If that doesn't prove my bona fides, I don't know what would.

There is another facet to my background which would serve you well: I have spent most of the last decade writing awful things about Hillary Rodham Clinton Rodham. Inasmuch as everyone within 800 miles of the Beltway knows you want Nancy Pelosi - not Hillary Rodham Clinton Rodham - to be The Voice of the Congressional Democratic Party, this existing body of work could be working for you starting tomorrow.

But wait! There's more!

Frankly, Madam Leader, I don't see why the national press corps isn't considering you as a possible Presidential candidate in 2004.

The entire Democratic Caucus in the Senate - except Tom Daschle - is running for President. The only Member of the House running is Dick Gephardt. Madam Leader, even I - with all my finely honed spinning skills - cannot come up with a good answer to the question: How can a guy who was just fired as the Democratic Leader of the House reasonably expect to be elected President?

The new Gallup poll showing President Bush sinking to only 58 percent job approval, in my opinion, is a ploy by Karl Rove to sucker more Democrats into the race. If that is so, then there is all the more reason for you to get in.

As the only woman - wo-ple - you would have an obvious advantage in a crowded field. If the votes are split among eight or nine men then the number of Democratic women who will do their Sisterhood thing and vote for you solely because of your gender will allow you to sneak in and win a couple of surprise primaries.

This is the kind of excellent advice I can provide you two or three hours a day, four or five days a week.

That's about all the time I would be able to spend with you. I have to write Mullings.