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I got all the usual friendly warnings and reminders about being nice to people and not getting upset about small things and following the rules and customs.
"Especially in France," she said.
My route of travel takes me from Washington, DC to JFK in New York. Then from JFK to Charles de Gaulle in Paris. Both flights on Delta. But then ... Paris to Geneva on Air France.
Hence the special warning about behaving in France.
"The French," I said, "will do something to annoy me. And it will be good for 1,500 words."
I was going to have her stop at the King Street Jewelers in Alexandria because I need a new band for my watch. However, as it is a Swiss Army watch and I am going to Geneva ... !
At the ticket counter in Washington, I had to present my passport (no Visa needed for US citizens to get into Switzerland) and I had to have my paper tickets re-issued.
When I was putting this trip together I had carefully chosen the flights and the days so that I could write from Geneva on Tuesday and Thursday, then fly home on Friday.
Except that I thought Friday was December 14 which, as you know, it is not. So the tickets had to be reissued with the correct return flights.
When I did this on the phone, the agent warned me that rebooking might change the fare.
It did. The new fare was 23 cents less than the old fare. This was the cause of some consternation at the counter, but we worked it out by suggesting it go into the coffee fund.
On my left, as all this was going on, a man in his thirties was traveling to Russia and had a suitcase which weighed 75 pounds.
Delta allows two suitcases, but neither of them can be more than 70 pounds. The ticket agent told the man he would do well to either take about five pounds of clothing out of the suit case and, if possible, wear them on the plane, or to run downstairs and purchase an inexpensive bag to transfer some of the overweight which would also work.
The man, who was carrying a Russian passport, insisted this was a ridiculous rule which, coming from a formerly Communist country which existed solely on the basis ridiculous rules, was amusing. To me. It was upsetting to the agent who said he could take some weight out of the bag, pay the overweight charge (which was likely to be more than $100) or not fly on Delta.
He sighed heavily in that Russian way, and took out a couple of sweaters getting the bag down to the allowable 70 pounds.
While this miniseries was going on to my left, on my right an American businessman was trying to decide were to sit.
The issue was: He was booked in seat 2J on the Boeing 777 from JFK to Paris. But he wanted an aisle seat. That was not a problem, but he wanted an aisle seat with no one sitting in the window seat so he wouldn't be disturbed during the night.
I - in my usual gentle and non-intrusive manner - suggested he get a seat in the middle aisle.
A Boeing 777 - at least in Delta's configuration - is 2-2-2 in business class. That means, and I believe we have discussed this before, if you are in one of the middle seats you can get out your side and your row-mate can get out on his side meaning neither ever has to step over the other.
He finally saw the wisdom in this, and after asking several times if the agents was certain it was not 2-3-2, accepted seat 5C.
The agent told him she LIKED 2J because she could rest her head against the wall of the plane. He said that inasmuch as he now had 5C, 2J was available for her if she wanted to get on the flight.
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The flight from Washington to JFK was uneventful. The Business Elite lounge in JFK is not horrible, but it was so crowded that the word "Calcutta" almost escaped my lips. I guess this is a good thing for Delta, that so many people are upgrading to Business class, but it certainly didn't make me feel very special.
The flight was scheduled to leave at 5:55 pm, so I waltzed down to the gate in time to get on and settled when boarding started at 4:25.
Boarding didn't start until 6:20 because the plane had been late coming in and "it's a big plane and it has to be catered, cleaned, and made ready for your flight."
If we left on time our scheduled arrival was at 6:55 am Tuesday morning. My connecting flight to Geneva was to leave at 8:00 am, so I didn't have a lot of margin for error.
As it happened we didn't leave until nearly 7:00 pm and the in-flight doo-hickey on the screens said our scheduled arrival time was 7:15 am.
That would leave me only 45 minutes to make the connection, which I didn't think would happened.
It didn't. But we're not there yet.
Many airlines have done away with traditional first class service on long-haul flights. Many - if not most - companies will allow an employee to fly in business class if the flight is long enough, but very, very few allowed first-class travel no matter what. Unless, of course, the CEO or the Chairman was the passenger and they were only flying commercial because one of the private company planes they normally used was not available.
So, airlines found themselves overbooked in business class and underbooked in first, so they did away with first class, expanded the number of business class seats, and everyone was happy.
It's just that renaming business class to business elite doesn't make it any better than the old business class and, in fact, only raises expectations too high.
One of the things you get in business elite on Delta is your own in-seat movie screen. You can watch any of three movies, plus a collection of old TV shows and other junk.
The movie I wanted to watch was Mike Meyers' latest (and one hopes last) Austin Powers movie, "Goldmember."
Except the in-seat screens didn't work. They didn't work for a long time, until an off-duty flight attendant got into the game and rebooted the system and brought each in-seat unit on line one at a time.
The guy's name was Don Hale. He was my hero.
The movie, by the way, is sophomoric in the extreme. There are enough jokes about bodily effluents, bad puns on sexual terms, and plain old gross humor that it makes a Pauly Shore movie seem like an art film by comparison.
While all this was going on the flight attendants began serving the meal. Here were the entrée choices:
OR
Herb-roasted Breast of Chicken with Porcini Mushroom Sauce, accompanied by a Polenta Cake, Swiss Chard, and julienned Roma Tomato.
OR
Raviolini complented by a Tarragon Sauce, tossed with Asparagus, Fennel, Parsley, and Red Pepper to which (the menu said) crayfish may be added. I asked the flight attendant what a "Raviolini" was. She said she wasn't sure. I asked what it was stuffed with. She said (looking the menu) "asparagus, fennel, parsley and red pepper."
I decided to let it go and ordered the chicken.
The problem arose when I received the appetizer course which was billed as follows:
I present, as evidence, this photo:
Note particularly the lemon and how very appetizing it looks.
Now, focus on the, the - well I couldn't tell if it wsa the smoked trout or the crabmeat but you might be able to tell the edges have begun to take on a slightly darkish tinge.
Here's a traveller's tip: NEVER EAT TWO-TONED FISH!
I pointed this out to the flight attendant who looked at it, grimaced and suggested it was because it had been left out too long.
And they say the US educational system is not what it could be.
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As we were beginning our approach into Paris, they played a video describing how, when we landed, there would be a veritable army of smiling Delta employees ready to help us in any way they possibly could.
I was going to need help because the video went on to point out that the terminal at which we were arriving and the terminal from which I was departing to Geneva were no where near each other.
I sat back and waited to land, knowing that Delta would not abandon me in a strange land.
HahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHA!
Here's what happened when we landed at 7:15 am:
The terminal I had to wait in was very interesting:
But think about looking at all that lattice-work after having flown all night.
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I got into Geneva.
It turned out, it was not the French who irritated me, but Delta Airlines and I didn't get 1,500 words out of it, I got about 1,800.
NEXT: Edelweiss!
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