From Riyadh, Saudi Arabia Ranger Rick got off the Saudi Arabian Airlines plane in Riyadh thinking, "This is how you know your life has taken an odd turn: When coming to Riyadh seems like R & R."
Actually, given what had been going on going on back in Iraq that week, Riyadh was a safe haven, although the US Embassy in Riyadh, itself, had been place on high alert just a week earlier.
Let's go to our popular, "Ask Ranger Rick" feature:
Ranger Rick answers:
We'll come back to that.
Rick had been planning to visit Riyadh for some time, to spend a few days with his friends from his Dallas days, the US Ambassador to Saudi Arabia, Jim Oberwetter, and his wife, Anita.
Ranger Rick knew that Riyadh, unlike Paris or Rome or London, is rarely on the top of Americans' "must visit" list and, as he was but a C-130 and a short airliner flight away, he should drop in and say, "Hey."
As it happened, Rick was arriving at the end of a short visit by US Secretary of Health & Human Services, Tommy Thompson. The last event on Thompson's schedule was, as Rick was told, "a visit to a farm."
In the nature of these things, the group - which included the Ambassador and the Mrs. As well as the Secretary - was late, so Ranger Rick was left to his own devices at the farm.
Here is what the farmhouse, owned by a Saudi Prince, looks like:
He came upon the farm hands:
The farmhands allowed Rick to mount one of their beasts of burden:
When you look at that picture all three - Ranger Rick, the farmhand, and the camel - they all sort of look related.
Note how Ranger Rick took great care to dress up in his T.E. Lawrence outfit so as to blend in perfectly with his surroundings.
He would have, if Lawrence of Arabia had worn a blue blazer over an all-cotton button down shirt (both by Brooks Brothers), a pair of no-iron khaki slacks (Nordstrom), and a pair of earth-toned penny-loafers (Johnson & Murphy) which is just about the perfect "climb up on a camel" ensemble.
There was a lot of hullabaloo what with a US Ambassador, a US Cabinet Secretary and Ranger Rick in attendance. There was a tour of a museum, and a tour of a pretend-bazaar (which is called a souk in these parts; the "oo" sound in souk being pronounced about half way between "book" and "boot" - now isn't that interesting? Hook, book, took, rook (as in chess) all pronounced one way and boot pronounced another.)
Ranger Rick, you mean.
Ok. Ranger Rick was on his best behavior and when everyone else showed up at the farm they were in dark suits and black shoes so RR was in fact the most appropriately dressed of anyone who was not in a white robe and a checkered head covering.
There was a huge dinner followed by a hair-raising motorcade back from the farm through downtown Riyadh. That is, it would have been hair raising if anyone but the westerners - men or women - had any hair showing which none of them did; or if Ranger Rick had any hair which he does not.
This is a photo of the AMB:
He is a great friend and is doing a wonderful job representing the interests of the United States in Saudi Arabia.
SIDEBAR:
The Lad and Ranger Rick (before he ascended to that title), being men of the 90's, followed the MD of S&P to Dallas in the summer of '91. As 1991 is an odd-numbered year there was not a great deal of political activity about so Ranger Rick was thrilled to pick up some work on a Mayor's race in Dallas.
As it turned out this was the line-up of some of the talent:
The next day Madame Anita and RR decided to go exploring. Going exploring in Saudi Arabia is not like going exploring in beautiful downtown Olde Towne Alexandria, Virginia. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Women are not permitted to drive in Saudi Arabia. Nor are they supposed to sit in the front passenger seat of the car which they are not driving.
Saudi Arabia is not generally described, in guide books, as "a land populated by easy-going, happy-go-lucky people who, laughing simply and without guile, enjoy the company of strangers."
This, from the US State Department's website: Given that, even Western women find it easier to abide by the local rules regarding the wearing of long, black robe (an abaya) and a black head scarf. There are people -men, of course - who are hired by the government to enforce these rules. They are called the religious police and have been known to hit women with sticks - blonde or not - for not dressing appropriately.
The Madame (as she was called by the household staff) and Rick decided that their exploration would include a visit to a museum.
Dressing up in all that black garb does not, in and of itself, mean women will not be attractive. This is Madame Anita in full exploration garb:
On the way to the museum they stopped off at a place called "Chop-chop Square." This is not the place where chop sticks were invented. Nor the place where people tell other people to go quickly.
It is the place where malefactors are sent to have their sentences carried out.
Chop.
The butler at the Ambassador's residence was shocked when he heard they were going to go there. He said to RR in his Filipino accent: "Oh, sir, do not go there. My cousin went there and could not sleep for a month."
It turned out that when his cousin went there was significant, er, activity. Some person had violated some law and had his head chop-chopped off.
The principal difference is Charles Laughton is not likely to swing down on a rope shouting the Arabic equivalent of "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!"
In order to get your actual head chopped off you have to either have killed someone else who, didn't otherwise need killing, or have come into violation of this stricture:
In any event, they went there and there was nothin' being chopped offa anybody. There was, however this guy:
RR very cleverly took this photo with his Canon S-400 Digital using the full 11x digital zoom from about a half mile away thus minimizing the chances of either he or Madame Anita seeing any chop-chopped bits which might be lying about thus requiring the use of the hose.
They went to the museum which had this sign above the main entry:
Which Ranger Rick translated to: De-PEW-ty Ministry of ANT-i-QUITES.
It turned out that this was women-only day. Family day would be the next day. Madame Anita suggested quietly that they go outside, have Ranger Rick put on the spare abaya she kept in the car, and come back in posing as a female.
Ranger Rick, for his part, Chop-Chop Square so recently having been implanted on his brain, began to consider the possible penalties in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia for impersonating a woman.
Chop.
He told Madame that he thought not.
They decided to go back to the Ambassador's residence for some lunch. Enroute Madame Anita asked Ranger Rick if he would mind a detour to visit a nursery called "Beautiful Garden." Ranger Rick is nothing, if not a pliant guest, so he said that would be fine.
The driver (Madame Anita is not permitted to drive and Ranger Rick knows his limitations when it comes to the ins and outs of downtown Riyadh) said he knew where it was, so off they went.
This is the sign:
And, this is the actual entrance to the Beautiful Garden Nursery and Used Pipe & Fitting Yard:
Ranger Rick is not making this up.
Ranger Rick thought it would be a neat idea to visit the Embassy of the State of Iraq which has been unoccupied since 1991 when Iraq invaded Kuwait causing Saudi Arabia to break diplomatic relations which, to this very second, have not been restored.
This is a photo of Ranger Rick trying to break the lock on gate at the front of the Embassy:
The windows are broken out. The lawn hasn't been mowed (which is not that big a problem in the desert). The guard shack has been broken into, and the place is obvious disrepair.
Ranger Rick asked Madame Anita to take a photo of him next to the Embassy sign which she was happy to do:
The missing word on that sign is "Republic." Ranger Rick took the camera back from Madame Anita which was a good thing because shortly after this was taken - seconds afterward, actually - the cops showed up.
It seems that in addition to sitting in the front seat of a car with a woman, who is not dressed in black robes and who is not your wife or blood relative, another small item in the law is a prohibition against taking photos of embassies of countries with whom Saudi Arabia has not had diplomatic relations for over 14 years.
Who knew?
Much hand waving and shouting ensued.
This is, more or less, the conversation:
SIDEBAR:
2. It is not clear if the cop will ever figure out that RR was lying about not speaking English by virtue of answering all of his questions
3. RR didn't have his passport because it was at the AMERICAN embassy having additional pages pasted in, Ranger Rick having become quite the little world traveler of late. END SIDEBAR.
In the end the cop took Madame Anita's Igama card (which RR thought everyone was saying "origami" card and which confused him even more than regular) and wrote her name and number in a book.
They got into the car and Madame said to Ranger Rick "Did the photo come out?" To which Ranger Rick replied, "Damn right" which blasphemy is, if overheard, without question an express bus to Slice-'N-Dice-City.
Diplomatic niceties being what they are Ranger Rick and Madame Anita thought it best if they actually 'fessed up to the Ambassador that they had been busted for taking illegal photos (which they would never have done if they cop hadn't taken Madame's origami card info) but they thought themselves very righteous for having done so.
The Ambassador feigned nonchalance about the whole adventure but (coincidentally he said) left the very next night for Washington to engage in "consultations."
Ranger Rick actually had something to do whilst in Riyadh; he had to give a speech to some 200 Saudi businessmen about the benifits of investing in Iraq. RR has always had a sophisticated sense of timing.
Interesting, isn't it, that Ranger Rick can get away with wearing the same outfit giving a speech as he does riding a camel? You know what they say: Some guys have it; some guys just talk about it.
The next day the Ambassador and Madame Anita hosted an Easter Egg roll for the children of the Embassy staff. It included a real-live Easter Bunny. Ranger Rick followed him around calling him "Harvey" which, if anyone got, they didn't think was funny.
Nevertheless, the rabbit, pretending to be Miss New York, was pleased to pose with one such as Ranger Rick:
At the end of the day, Ranger Rick got out his camera again and took this photo of the American and Texas flags which fly over the Ambassador's Residence in Saudi Arabia:
But, that's not the best photo of the trip. While RR was chasing the Rabbit and scaring the children, he came across a cake the embassy staff had prepared for the event. It has nothing to do with Easter, but it gave Ranger Rick pause.
It has a great deal to do with the fact that the folks in the Diplomatic Corps who, notwithstanding they live with their families in far-flung places doing their work, go out of their way to remember for whom they are working and for what:
Be safe.
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Chapter 22: Ranger Rick Rides into Riyadh
Sunday, April 11, 2004
Dear Ranger Rick:
How was your visit to Saudi Arabia?"
signed,
The Executive Board of the See America First FoundationIf you don't include the time I was arrested outside the Iraqi Ambassador's residence, it was fine.
As no one was around, Rick decided to stroll around the grounds until, as the song goes, he felt at home.
Dear Ranger Rick:
Yeah, like you blend.
signed,
Marisa TomeiDear Mr. Mullings
Whatever. Will you puh-LEEZ get back to the story? Schnook.
signed,
The Four People Still Reading This Thing
In 1991 the Mullings Director of Standards & Practices, before she had ascended to that title, was transferred to Dallas, Texas by the company she worked for, EDS. EDS, or Electronic Data Systems is the company that Ross Perot founded, then sold for a couple of billion dollars to General Motors.
Males and females beyond childhood are not free to congregate together in most public places, and a man may be arrested for being seen with, walking with, traveling with, or driving a woman other than his wife or immediate relative.
Madame, being pretty fetching in her native outfit, Ranger Rick was fairly certain that, before the day was over, he was going to have to fend off the religious police.
Chop.
This is generally announced ahead of time in the newspaper and, by all accounts, is not far from the scene in the Hunchback of Notre Dame where Maureen O'Hara is about to be done in before a huge crowd of cheering onlookers.
Chop.
COP: Do you speak Arabic?
RR: No.
MADAME ANITA: Put the camera in your pocket.
COP: Do you speak English?
RR: No.
COP: Did you take any pictures?
RR: No.
MADAME ANITA: Put the camera in your pocket now.
COP: Do you have an Igama card?
RR: No.
MADAME ANITA: Get in the car.
COP: Do you have a passport?
RR: No.
MADAME ANITA: Get in the car NOW.
COP: [to RR] Is this your wife?
RR: No.
MADAME ANITA: He is my brother if you don't get in the car this minute you're going to be really sorry [which made Ranger Rick think for a moment that Madame Anita really was his sister].1. An "Igama" card is a green identification card which all non-Saudi residents are required to carry. Not carrying one is a one-way ticket to You-Know-Where-Square.
