More Things to Worry About

From Charleston, South Carolina

So, now there is this staph infection which, like a Halloween XXVII movie eats your flesh, flattens the tires on your car, wipes out your shrubbery, and causes your dog to run around in little circles barking the main theme from Till Eulenspiegel's Merry Pranks.

This particular bug is known as MRSA, methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus.

Why it is called "aureus" is interesting - baffling, really - because aureus, according to Merriam-Webster's Third Unabridged is Latin for "a gold coin of ancient Rome."

Anyway, it seems that this bacterium is racing up and down America's interstate circulatory system infecting students from Virginia to Atlanta.

In a remarkable bit of writing in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, reporter John Hollis reminds us why the Pulitzer Prizes are awarded out of the same university which recently invited that thug from Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, to speak when he reported on an outbreak in an Atlanta suburb in which three middle school students had "been diagnosed with the type of staph infection that is often difficult to treat with antibiotics. All have been referred to a doctor."

Who said great writing is a lost art?

When the national press corps focuses on something like methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus you are never quite sure whether it is really spiking as a health crisis, or it is merely spiking as a way to drive up ratings on local news programs by having pretty young women with eyes wide, reporting on the fact there have been no outbreaks at the high school, but you should be very, very worried about it nonetheless.

Remember some years ago when shark attacks were all the rage? It seemed that sharks were swimming through America's sewer systems and lying in wait in the base of toilets for the unwary to take a bit too long doing the crossword puzzle if-you-know-what-I-mean-and-I-think-you-do.

It turned out that shark attacks during that particular summer were about average, but because the media decided to shine its bright light upon it, we were led to believe that Great Whites were breeding like one-ton mosquitoes.

Similarly, an Associated Press article out of Michigan tells us:

Michigan county health departments had reported 15 clusters of the staph infection nicknamed MRSA to the state Department of Community Health this year as of late last week. There were 52 for all of 2006 and 77 in 2005.

Maybe Michiganders wash their hands more than the rest of us. Or maybe this outbreak of MRSA is no worse - maybe even better - than most years.

In any event, I don't need another thing to worry about. I have lots of things on my plate already and just this week I added another: I read that Marie Osmond fainted during an episode of Dancing With the Stars, although I didn't notice with which Star she had been dancing when she went down.

Here's a headline for you: OUTBREAK OF FAINTING DURING FAKE REALITY SHOWS! Last year exactly zero people fainted. This year - already - one has hit the deck.

I am also worried about a middle school in Maine giving birth control drugs and devices to 11 year old boys and girls. I mean, I want to believe I'm opposed to the concept on moral and cultural grounds, but deep in my heart I know I am jealous that fifth graders are in a position to even know about that stuff much less participate.

As I remember, I was 42 when I realized the whole stork thing was not the most likely source of new babies.

And finally, I was told this week that Washington, DC - your nation's capital - is home to some of the ugliest people in America. Washington was barely beat out by Philadelphia for the least attractive population.

Why is this important to me? Because I live right outside of The District and I have an office right downtown.

Maybe, if I had hair …

On the Secret Decoder Ring page today: Links to much of the material above; a Mullfoto from Palm Springs a couple of weeks ago and a Catchy Caption of the day.