Mullings: An American Cyber-column By Rich Galen

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Holiday Lights

Rich Galen

Monday December 20, 2004

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It is too early in the week for a heavy distillation of the meaning of Christmas, so here are some lighter elements.

For example, this is a real story from Reuters last week:

BERLIN - Two young women asked an 81-year-old German man to join them in a "nude photo shoot" last week. According to the police, after the pensioner had removed his trousers in eager anticipation, the women left in a hurry, taking the man's wallet with about 250 euros in cash.

As someone who is getting ever closer to that age, I can tell you that there are not enough drugs in all of Amsterdam to make me believe that two young women would ask me to join them in a nude photo shoot and mean it.

Or anything involving the word "nude."

Or anything, for that matter, involving the word "photo."

"Shoot?" Maybe.

As this week is the 60th anniversary of the World War II Battle of the Bulge, it is not unlikely that the naked Herr Dumkopf survived as a German soldier during that battle proving, once again, that Darwin was wrong.

I know there's a General Tony McAuliffe "Nuts" joke in here somewhere.

Another item of interest from the Continent: You know what a Truffle is? A truffle is an extremely expensive form of fungus. Mushrooms (which are also fungi) grow above ground. Truffles, which are "highly prized for their woody-garlicky taste" grow below the surface and must be found by trained dogs. Or pigs. Go figure.

A restaurant in London, Zafferano, purchased an Italian truffle which weighed in at nearly two US pounds (about 30 ounces) for $52,000. I did the calculation for you: $1,733.33 per ounce which is just about four times the price of gold on the spot market in New York on Friday.

It seems that the proud restaurateur stored the fungus in a safe. When he brought it out for display and/or use he found it had begun to � Anyone? Anyone?

Yes, Ferris. It had begun to rot.

A truffle, it seems, will rot in a steel safe. Who'd'a thunk?

According to the Zagat Guide, Zafferano is a restaurant in the way upscale Belgravia section of London where one can dine on excellent food for about �53 per person. At current exchange rates that would be about $103 each (just about one quarter of the price of an ounce of gold on the spot market in New York on Friday).

The Italians asked for the truffle back so it could be buried and perhaps sprout (or whatever) anew next year. It was returned this past weekend to Florence where, according to Reuters:

"After a requiem poem and solemn ceremony, the truffle was � buried under a tree believed to have been planted by Italy's famous 15th century explorer Amerigo Vespucci."

How famous is this Amerigo Vespucci anyway? How many people live in Vespucci, Iowa, for instance?

As they appear to be interested in curiosities, one wonders if Zafferano can use a very clever 81-year-old German fellow as a greeter.

Last one. The British and US governments are living in parallel universes.

You know all about Bernie Kerik hiring a visa-less nanny and having multiple simultaneous lovers including an American book publisher while he was married?

It seems that the British Home Secretary, David Blunkett - who had sway over visas in the UK - had an affair with a married American magazine publisher (who is now pregnant) and "fast-tracked" a visa for her nanny.

Blunkett has resigned over the visa business, but this is why the Brits are better at this than we are: The UK "News of the World" is now claiming that the married, pregnant American magazine publisher was carrying on a simultaneous affair with a writer for "The Guardian" and thus was triple-timing everyone.

The married, pregnant, triple-timing, American magazine publisher did essentially the same thing to her husband and two lovers that those two young women did to the 81-year-old guy in Berlin.

On the Secret Decoder Ring today: A primer on mushrooms & truffles, a Mullfoto of a pretty good vanity license plate, and the Catchy Caption of the Day: The Time Magazine "Person of the Year" cover.

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