Mullings: An American Cyber-column By Rich Galen

�

Click here for the Secret Decoder Ring to this issue!

Become a
Paid Mullings Subscriber!

(To join the FREE mailing list or to unsubscribe Click Here)

Ranger Rick in New York City!

Rich Galen

Wednesday August 25, 2004

Click here for an Easy Print Version

From New York City
The Republican National Convention

According to Webster's Third New Unabridged Dictionary a rube is "an awkward, unpolished, unsophisticated usually gullible rustic [who is] ignorant of urban ways.

That pretty accurately describes Ranger Rick. Ranger Rick is a rube. Ranger Rick is the poster child for rube-ism. In Webster's Fourth Unabridged Dictionary there will be a photo of Ranger Rick next to the definition of rube.

The reason for this Dobby-the-House-Elf self-flagellation is because I was in New York City for less than 24 hours when I lost my wallet.

When I say "I lost my wallet" it is in hopes that I left it in a taxi. If I have had my pocket picked, I will be forced to check myself into the Monastery for Stupid People and never show my face again.

There is a reason that I am only about three weeks away from the Mullings Director of Standards & Practices pinning my home address to my lapel: I do this sort of thing all the time. In our family my leaving things behind is known as "Rich Droppings."

Hansel and Gretel would have been able to find their way out of the forest just picking up behind me.

I was in Iraq for six months and never lost anything. When I turned in my equipment, I even got credit for the cleaning kit that came with my 9mm pistol. I'm in New York for about 18 hours and I'm left standing, in effect, naked in Times Square.

Dear Ranger Rick (if that IS your real name):
Are you quite certain you actually went to Iraq? Or was this some Christmas in Cambodia deal.
Signed,
Tigris River Veterans for Truth

The problem with losing something like your wallet is - in addition to your credit cards which are easily cancelled and easily replaced - you lose what for most of us is our only form of a government-issued photo ID: Your driver's license.

As luck would have it (because, as a member of a small, elite unit known only to the President and a few of his closest advisors, Ranger Rick must be ready to travel overseas at a moment's notice), I carry my passport with me all the time.

I am not at all certain what I would have done if I didn't have my passport. American Express called my hotel and authorized my charges; but I would not have been able to complete the check-in process without a photo ID. In fact, Amex would not have given me my replacement card without a photo ID.

As usual people around me had to come in and bail me out. Long-time Mullfriends, Sam Dawson, Ginny Wolfe and Stacy Carlson took me to dinner, Sam went to an ATM and lent me a hundred bucks; and the Mullings Director of Standards & Practices Fed-Exed checks so I can go to Bank of America and get my very own folding money.

Notwithstanding my personal tribulations, the convention is moving ahead on schedule. The Platform Committee is beginning its work this morning; the Convention floor is very close to being ready for the delegates; Republicans, full of enthusiasm, are arriving every day; security is being stepped up - you need a photo ID just to get into the lobby of my hotel - and very soon the demonstrators will arrive to prove that their First Amendment Rights are being protected.

As to my lost wallet, I keep coming back to what Rick Blaine said, "It doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world."

Here's looking at you kid.

On the Secret Decoder Ring Page today: An interesting Mullfoto (the caption of which you will dislike, Rick Blaine's background, and a Catchy Caption of the Day.

Current Issue | Secret Decoder Ring | Past Issues | Email Rich | Rich Who?