Mullings: An American Cyber-column By Rich Galen

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Big Time F-Bombs, etc.

Rich Galen

Monday June 28, 2004

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From Greenwich, Connecticut

A compendium of items which have stacked up in my mental garage:

Your Nation's Capital had a political grand mal seizure last week when someone made public the thrust - if you know what I mean and I think you do - of a conversation between Vice President Dick Cheney and Vermont Democrat Patrick Leahy on the floor of the US Senate.

It seems that the Veep - who has the nickname "Big Time" among staff-level Washington - pushed hard for Leahy to perform a more-or-less physically impossible task of self-amusement.

When asked about it, Cheney was hard-pressed to deny it, saying Leahy was the kind of guy who says horrible things about you when you're not in his presence, then acts like he's your bosom-buddy when you are.

I suggested to a major political reporter on Friday, that anyone who thinks this is the first time the "F-Bomb" has been dropped on the floor of the U.S. Senate, has forgotten that Lyndon Johnson was Democratic Leader of the US Senate from 1953 until he became Veep in 1961. Johnson often rammed his point home to other Senators through his frequent use of what became known as "The Treatment," which included physical and verbal intimidation as its principal features.

The late Daniel Patrick Moynihan might well have put it: "You should be hoist with your own petard."

Whether Cheney dropped the "F-Bomb" on Leahy or not isn't much at issue. He did. What also is not at issue, but should be, is what kind of weenie Leahy is - or his staff is - to go running around telling people about the Cheney invitation.

Dear Mr. Mullings:
I know, I know. I've rubbed you the wrong way.
We were GOING to ask, given the level of humor this morning, if were the president of your SOPHOMORE class. Stop it.
Signed,
The National Anti-Double Entendre Association
OK. I'll eliminate the bathroom humor; completely wipe it out.
We mean it!
Anybody got a peanut?

This was an actual Associated Press headline from a week-or-so ago:

Maine Plans Five Lobster-Eating Contests
Due to my occasional dyslexia, I read it as:
Maine Plans Live Lobster-Eating Contests

Which, at a minimum, seemed to me would have made for a somewhat fairer fight.

This, from the London Evening Star: It seems that some 500,000 people did not have their votes counted in the recent election for Mayor and London Assembly. According to the newspaper:

"Voters baffled by the different systems used to elect the Mayor and assembly members ended up marking their ballots in the wrong places, rendering them invalid."

Hahahahahahahah! Stupid Brits. Imagine not being smart enough to figure out how to mark a b�

Ummm. Nevermind.

Finally, it seems that there is a rapper named "DMX" who, as my musical development ended with early Eagles, is unknown to me. However, according to Reuters, Mr. DMX, whose real name is Earl Simmons, "faces up to seven years in jail after being charged with cocaine possession and criminal impersonation after trying to steal a car then crashing another vehicle through an airport car-park gate, claiming he was a federal agent."

Idiot. Federal agent. Who would have believed that? He should have claimed his was a United States Senator � from Vermont.

But wait! There's more! DMX, who apparently growls and barks as part of his performance (Hotel California, it ain't), signed a promotional deal with a canine apparel maker (Let's, for purposes of clarity, change that to "a maker of canine apparel"). The company now wants to cancel the contract because it, as the AP reports, "alleges in court papers that when it signed a promotion agreement with DMX it was unaware of his involvement in dog fighting or his conviction on animal cruelty charges.

I mean, really. What corporate attorney would have thought to check and see if there was any arrest record for a RAP STAR NAMED DMX! Probably used to be an intern on Leahy's staff.

On the Secret Decoder Ring Page today: Explanations of the "got a peanut" and the "petard" lines, A Mullfoto which answers the question: Why do they call it "Old Town" Alexandria, Virginia?; and a Catchy Caption of the day. Actually the SDR today might be better than the column!

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