Mullings: An American Cyber-column By Rich Galen

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My New Career

Rich Galen

Wednesday June 23, 2004

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I am now officially in the market for a new career.

Dear Mr. Mullings:
We've been meaning to ask you this, but just what is your career?
Signed,
The National Association of Vocational School Guidance Counselors

I am a columnist, a public speaker, and the Go-To-Guy of daytime cable news bookers. You need a guest on any subject? I'm your guy. In fact, just yesterday former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich dubbed me "An American Observer."

I have, over the past several years, offered my services - on a non-partisan basis.

I volunteered to be the press secretary, not just of the White House, but to Democratic House Leader Nancy Pelosi. Who has been more non-partisan than that?

I didn't hear from either the President or the House Minority Leader, but at least I got a shot.

Wait a minute. Who's idea was it to send me to Baghdad? Get me Scott McClellan on the phone, and I mean right now!

I volunteered to be the Republican candidate for Governor of California, even though I have never lived in California and have no desire to do so. I invoked, as I remember, the Hillary Clinton Clause which states: "Residency, or lack thereof, is no barrier to election."

I volunteered to be the DEMOCRATIC nominee for Senator from New Jersey after Bob Torricelli had to bow out, a state where, unlike California, I had actually lived. Nevertheless the NJ Dems went for someone even older than I was choosing Frank Lautenberg who at 217 ran on the grounds that he had signed the Declaration of Independence and was, therefore, the best qualified candidate.

I even volunteered to give Ambassador Paul Bremer a break, offering to fill in while I was in Baghdad to be proconsul for a couple of days so he could sit by the pool and quaff a couple of brewskis.

He wrote in his order releasing me from the custody of that West Virginia female prison guard that he appreciated the gesture, but perhaps it would be better for all concerned if he just held onto the reins of power until June 30.

And, of course, just last week I volunteered to run as Senator John Kerry's Vice Presidential nominee. (That isn't yet a done deal, so I'm not at liberty to talk about it.)

But all that pales before what happened yesterday. Yesterday Ralph Nader announced that his running mate in this year's Presidential election would be none other than �Peter Camejo who is billed as a "Green Party activist" and who got 20,000-or-so votes as a candidate for Governor against Arnold.

I mean, I can see that I might not be the first choice of the either major political party - nationally, Congressionally, or at the State level. And I admit that the White House might have shown good judgment in not letting me actually on the grounds and that the same goes for the Capitol Police who make me lie down on the X-ray machine to get into the Capitol.

But when Ralph Nader doesn't even call �

Am I not Green enough? Do I not have flowers of a green color in the front of Mullings Central, and on the back deck as well? Did I not (this is true) actually meet Mr. Camejo in the Green Room at Fox yesterday? Is not the Mullmobile - which gets 15 MPH downhill with a tailwind - Hunter Green? (And which, by the way, as a big honking SUV, happens to be safe at any speed?)

That's it. I'm outta here. You won't have Rich Galen to kick around any more. I'm looking for new challenges. I want to spend more time with my family.

I'm going to become a � stone mason.

As long as someone else carries the stones for me. And the hammer isn't too heavy. And I don't get all sweaty and dusty. And I don't have to wear those funny hats and ride around on the little motorcycles in parades like they do.

Yes. A stone mason. That's for me.

On the Secret Decoder Ring Page today: An explanation of that funny-hat-and-motorcycle crack, an actual photo of me with Nader's running mate and a pretty funny Catchy Caption of the Day.

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