Subscribe Today!

A Bit Peckish

Monday, April 29, 2002

                      Click here for an Easy Print Version


From Spokane, Washington
• Reports out of Texas indicate that the advance people - I suppose we are on safe sand, here, to call them advance MEN - for the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia informed the US air traffic control authorities that it would please His Highness if there were no women air traffic controllers speaking to the pilots en route from Houston, and no women working on the ramp when the plane came in.

• Assuming this story is true at all, it is probably not something the Crown Prince himself required, but something a mid-level functionary, trying too hard to please, invented on his very own and passed on down the line.

• After the obvious outrage drained out of me (Why should WOMEN get the day off just because some Saudi prince says so?), I started thinking about the good old days when rock groups on tour demanded - and got - outrageous extras in addition to their pay for a concert.

• These demands were called "a rider" to the contract which contained the list of specific amounts, and labels of alcoholic and other beverages; the number and size of the dressing rooms and the furnishings therein; and other items which were absolutely non-negotiable necessities for the band to put on any show, much less a good show, such as the amounts of illicit drugs to be provided - often enough to make the drummer look like Al Pacino as Tony Montana in that scene from "Scarface."

• With that in mind, I am sending the following instructions to Duane Ward, the president of Premiere Speakers Bureau with regard to what I expect when I travel for speeches:

• No one should be my contact person who is young, thin, tall, smart, glib, physically attractive, or has hair.

• I'm also thinking I want to be addressed as "Your Excellency."

• Too much?

• BBC World Service Radio aired an interview with the chief Palestinian negotiator over the weekend regarding the UN inspection team. The Palestinian asked rhetorically how progress can be made when the Israelis "see through Sharon's eyes, speak through Netanyahu's mouth; and hear through Lieberman's ears."

• How about this: No progress can be made so long as Arabs think through Arafat's brain, see the future through a teen-aged homicide bomber's fanaticism; and seek heaven through bin Laden's soul.

• It's only a matter of time until Arafat becomes fodder for scriptwriters. For example:

  [SCENE: Yasser Arafat's two-room flat in downtown Ramallah]
  ARAFAT: Ahmed, get me some coffee.
  AHAMED: Yes sir.
  ARAFAT: (Angrily) Did you just call me Yasser?
  AHAMED: No sir. I said 'yes sir.'
  ARAFAT: (Easing) Hmm. And get me something to eat. Two, no make it three, sandwiches.
  AHAMED: Yes sir! (Under his breath) That's why, generally, Arabs are so fat.
  ARAFAT: (Tensing) Did you just say I was fat?
  AHAMED: No sir, Yasser, I said 'That's my General Arafat!'

• With the proper insertion of some canned laughter I think we've got the pilot for an Al-Jareeza sitcom: "Fatah Knows Best."

• Real In-Flight Humor Dept.: At the Spokane Airport at about 6:00 AM, yesterday, a United gate agent with a British accent reminded passengers on flights to Denver and Chicago there would be beverage-only service in coach, "so," she said, "if you're feeling a bit peckish, you might get a bite to eat."

• Peckish. Good one.

• Then on the airplane from Salt Lake City to Washington, the pilot came on to tell us that we were going through some rough air and suggested we "make sure your feetbelt is, uh ..." "Because," he said, he wanted to "err on the safe side."

• In "The Right Stuff" Tom Wolfe said all airline pilots sounded alike because Chuck Yeager spoke with a drawl and his style has been passed down through generations of pilots. This was like flying with Chuck Yeager. Reading from the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test.

• On the Secret Decoder Ring page today Scarface, Kool-Aid, the definition of "peckish," well as the usual stuff.
  --END --
  Copyright © 2002 Richard A. Galen

  ---

  If you are working at a lobbying firm, a government affairs office, a coalition, or a PAC you should take a look at this page to see how advertising in Mullings might serve your organization very well: