1. As the elected High Commissioner of the Group of Non-Aligned and Nearly Non-Existent Nations (GNANNEN), I have been asked to deliver to you a list of our concerns regarding the nomination of John Bolton to join the ranks of Ambassadors and Representatives to the United Nations by George W. Bush.
2. Mr. Bolton has been quoted in the international press as suggesting we remove a significant number of floors from the United Nations Building.
["If the U.N. secretary building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference."
John Bolton. Federalist Society. 1994]
3. Your Most Intense Guardian of Office Assignments, GNANNEN respectfully submit that removing 10 stories would, indeed, "make a difference" and a difference in the most catastrophic possible manner.
4. As the building is only 38 stories high, and the GNANNEN have our office spaces on floors 29-34 (the uppermost four stories being reserved for the personal and professional use of the Secretary-General, your immediate family, friends, business associates, and personal investment advisors), we are understandably apprehensive that the status of our private offices, private restrooms, private staff space, private dining areas, and our private recreational facilities (if-you-know-what-I-mean-and-I-think-you-do) may be in significant jeopardy.
5. Your Most Illustrious Dispenser of Diplomatic Discount Drink Tickets, GNANNEN are also concerned that someone of Mr Bolton's views might impinge on the rights and privileges of the Empire of Upper Iguana and the other Non-Aligned and Nearly Non-Existent Nations to bring to the entire General Assembly important international issues.
6. We are specifically concerned with Mr Bolton's extreme position on the issue of Zionism (which was specifically condemned by United Nations resolution 3379 in 1975 which stated that the United Nations "Determines that Zionism is a form of racism and racial discrimination.")
7. Mr Bolton writes of his involvement in this important principal, "one highlight of my professional career was the 1991 successful effort to repeal the General Assembly's 1975 resolution equating Zionism with racism, thus removing the greatest stain on the U.N.'s reputation."
8. Your Most Exalted Warder of the Keys to the Overnight Fridge, you must agree with the GNANNEN that if we cannot, on a regular basis, remind our individual citizens that Anti-Semitism is central to our common belief system, then the entire raison d'etre for the United Nations will, properly, be called into serious doubt.
9. Mr Bolton has indicated he believes that the views of the United States, simply because it contributes one out of every five dollars of the United Nations Budget, should have greater weight than that of the other Member-States.
10. This runs counter to those of us who believe that each Member-State should be treated as equal in value and influence to any other Member-State, notwithstanding the size of that Member-State, length of time the Member-State has been in existence, or the amount of dues the Member-State may or may not pay.
11. THEREFORE: The People's Empire of Upper Iguana, individually and as a member of GNANNEN, urgently pleads and beseeches The Grand Keeper of the Joint Checking Account to use all of the influence at his command, calling upon the true and legitimate leaders of the United States Senate - the Democrats - to stop this most shocking and odious infringement upon the rights and privileges of the Member-States of the United Nations.
12. On a completely different topic, it has come to the attention of the Representative of the People's Empire of Upper Iguana that some of the newer Member-States have received spaces for their limousines which are much closer to the elevator than his own and urgently requests an audience with Your Most Extreme Custodian of the Parking Passes to discuss this most distressing development.
Sincerely,
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