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April's Fool
Rich Galen Friday April 1, 2005
Click here for an Easy Print Version
From Sioux Falls, South Dakota
The Lincoln County GOP Lincoln Day Dinner
Dear Mullings Subscriber:
- This will be the last Mullings written from the Conservative point of view. From here on out, it's Leftward Ho! This is not a matter of conscience, but one of money.
- The national Democratic machine has pooled its dough and created a fund specifically to get me over to their side. I am happy to do this.
- Assuming the check clears.
- Here are some of the areas we will be exploring as we move, crabwise to the left, but forward, nevertheless.
- I will work with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi to help construct and broadcast at least the appearance of an opposing viewpoint to the House Republican legislative agenda.
- To that end, I have agreed to (A) stop defending Tom DeLay and (B) stop, as I did on NPR yesterday, saying that the Democrats have not had an original legislative idea in two years and are, in fact, intellectually bankrupt.
- To get this kick-started, we will establish a "Contract with America" redux, the working title of which is: "Contract with the Blue States" or CBS for short.
- A series of CBS working groups will be formed to bring together some of the best thinkers on the Left to help develop positive strategies and messages dealing with:
- Health Care Reform (the John Edwards Working Group)
- Social Security Reform (the Ostrich Working Group)
- Tort Reform (the Other John Edwards Working Group)
- Bankruptcy Reform (the Donald Trump Working Group)
- Religion in American Life Reform (the Martin Luther Working Group)
- Foreign Policy Reform (the John Kerry Working Group)
- Candidate Spouse Reform (the Bill Clinton (if-you-know-what-I-mean-and-I-think-you-do) Working Group)
- I will also work with Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid to help develop in him at least as good a sense of humor as Tom Daschle had. This is sort of a loss leader for me. If I can make Harry Reid look and sound less like an automaton, I think I can be hired to resurrect the image of Mark McGwire for Major League money.
- I will appear less frequently on the Fox News Channel and when I do, I will be so Liberal in the talking head segments that Susan Estrich will be the Conservative.
- I will appear more frequently on MSNBC (but I had to agree to stop referring to Ron Reagan as "that failed ballerina.")
- Under the terms of this agreement I have to walk a tightrope by also working with Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean.
- As part of his many backroom deals - backroom deals? The only thing missing from the room in which the negotiations were held was the smoke - to get the DNC job, was a really stupid agreement to only do local media, leaving the national stage to the aforementioned Pelosi and Reid.
- And Bill. And Hillary. And Kerry. And every other Democratic Senator. And New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson. And every other Democratic Governor.
- Dean agreed to this because he also agreed not to be a candidate for President in 2008. Notwithstanding any double-secret codicils, I suspect the only way we'll be able to keep Dean out of the 2008 race will be to dress him up in a full Hannibal Lechter outfit.
- That they have had to turn to me for help, is an indication of the depths to which the Democratic Party has descended. But I believe the US is in danger of becoming a one-party nation which is not good for the system, so I agreed to do this.
- I hope you understand.
Sincerely,
Rich Galen,
April Fools
- On the Secret Decoder Ring page today: A definition of (and pronunciation guide to) the word "redux," yet another Mullfoto from my New York Trip, and a Catchy Caption of the Day.
--END --
Copyright © 2005 Richard A. Galen
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