The End of the World. Just in Time
Friday February 23, 2007
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Dear Mr. Mullings
Headline: Asteroid on Collision Path with Earth
A group of former astronauts and cosmonauts is warning that at least one asteroid � is on a path that could see it colliding with our planet in 2036. The United Nations should assume responsibility for a space mission to deflect it, the group said.
Headline: Britney's Hair on Sale for $1 Million
The owner of [Esther's Hair Salon] where Britney Spears shaved off all of her hair is hoping to sell the clippings for $1 Million
Headline: Anna Nicole Still Dead: Lennon Not Dad, Judge Says
Circuit Judge Larry Seidlin announced from his Ft. Lauderdale bench that, in his opinion "John Lennon is not the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby," thus making Lennon the only male to have lived in the past half century who has been definitely ruled out.
All right. I made that last one up, but not by much.
On the asteroid front, 2036 is less than three decades away. Given what has been going on here with Anna Nicole and Britney Spears, I don't think it is too far a stretch to believe that God has started the countdown clock running and if we don't get ourselves straightened out, that rock is going to make the dinosaur extinction look like naptime at Hillside Grade School.
If you needed any further evidence that the scientists and engineers who met in San Francisco to discuss this asteroid had been smoking some medically-necessary herb, they want the United Nations to do something about it.
The United Nations, can not, to this very second, figure out how to get food to starving children in central Africa - which is already ON the planet Earth. Maybe I'm being too harsh, but if the UN takes this up there will be two resolutions:
1. The asteroid will be the fault of Global Warming
2. The asteroid will be the fault of the United States acting alone (unless Chelsea Clinton is President in 2036 in which case it will have been the fault of George W. Bush).
The barber shop where Britney Spears stumbled in to shave off her hair has collected same and is offering it for sale on their website. You not only get the hair (from her head. Eyes up here, mister); but you get the Bic lighter she left behind, the shears she used to do the deed and the empty can of Red Bull which she � I don't know what she did with that.
The website claims that a million dollars is the minimum offer and you have to go to Esther's in Tarzana, California to pick the stuff up. You would think that for a million bucks they could call for a pickup from UPS.
The website also claims "This is the ultimate Britney Experience!"
I'm not so sure. For my money, watching her get out of a limo would be the ultimate Britney experience, but that's just me.
And finally, the ultimate 24/7 Cable News Weirdness Experience: The Anna Nicole Smith trial ended yesterday with the Judge (who has been perfect for this case) awarding custody of Anna Nicole's body to her five-month-old daughter.
The judge needed to rule because the Broward County Medical Examiner had told him that "that a decision needed to be reached before Smith's body becomes too decomposed for a public viewing."
Yikes! Where does that line start?
One of the claimants, her lawyer, lover and luggage handler, Howard K. Stern, had testified that he and Anna Nicole "considered each other husband and wife and had celebrated a commitment ceremony, though it was not legal."
It is safe to assume that any ceremony which includes the words "Anna Nicole" and "commitment" would not be legal anywhere but on an asteroid heading at a gillion miles per hour directly toward Earth.
On the Secret Decoder Ring page today: Links to the Asteroid, the Anna Nicole, and the Britney Spears stories - including a link to the Esther's Do-It-Yourself hair salon. A Mullfoto - the last - from Alaska and a Catchy Caption of the Day.
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