Curling, which is MSNBC's event of choice, is shuffleboard played by young people, on ice, with no ten-off, and the winners get an extra helping of lutefisk.
Forget about psychotic French figure skating judges. Curling could be made way, WAY more interesting if they would bring in five old guys from the Pompano Beach, Florida Shuffleboard Club to be the judges:
"That's on the line!"
"That's not on the line. You wouldn't know 'on the line' if it hit you in the head. [Dripping sarcasm] On the line."
"Oh yeah? [Which is the classic all-purpose New Yorker come-back.] Well, even if it DID hit me on the head, it would first hit hair - not like your head which, by the way, if we held you upside down by your ankles we could use for the rock in this Curling business."
"Go back to Brooklyn where you belong. It's not on the line. You could fit New Jersey in the space between the rock and the line there."
"Better my detached house in Brooklyn than that falling-down co-op made out of talcum powder you called home in Queens, my friend. What'd you get for that? About 17 cents? It's on the line."
If MSNBC would put microphones on the judges this would be Must-See-TV. With Bifocals.
The Lad, having lived in Texas for a good portion of his life, suggested that every Winter Olympic event would be improved with the addition of shotguns loaded with rock salt. Let the biathlon participants play defense against the ice dancers and the ski jumpers.
Pull!
The best story, I think, so far has been the silver medal won in the women's skeleton by Lea Ann Parsley.
The story is: Parsley, at 32, is a grown-up. She has been a firefighter for 17 of those years. But she is not just a firefighter. She was named Ohio Firefighter of the year in 1999 for pulling two people out of a burning building.
And she's a registered nurse. But not just a regular registered nurse. She received a bachelor of arts degree from Marshall University in West Virginia. A bachelor of science in nursing degree from the University of Virginia. A masters of science in nursing from Ohio State University. And she is ABD for her doctorate.
Lea Ann Parsley reminds us that at least some of the athletes who appear on our television screens have not spent their entire lives since they were eight participating in their sport. Parsley was a basketball and track star at Marshall and was a member of the U.S. National Handball team.
Professional football, basketball or tennis players; professional figure skaters and big-time track and field stars, have done what they are doing all their lives. And those at the top of their sport are paid very, very well.
I'm not sure that very many skeleton sliders are earning a living careening around an iced-down track at 80 miles per hour.
Parsley should be the poster child for people who participate in sports because they love the competition.
Jimmy Shea, who won the gold in the men's skeleton, has a story which is nothing short of riveting, given the tragic death of his grandfather just last month. But Shea grew up in Lake Placid. His family history makes it easier for him to grope his way through the murky world of international competition. He says he is a "full-time amateur."
Lea Ann Parsley, according to all the published reports, is much more than that. She is a full-time citizen, which, as we all learned not-so-long ago, is a very big deal.
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