Over the Pond
I have been holding out the hope that Delta will see the folly of its ways some time before the plane from Cincinnati leaves for Paris.
This is, as it turns out, a false hope.
At the Cincinnati Crown Room I asked the woman behind the counter if my seat - 32H - was an exit row. I had two reasons for doing this: First, I wanted to know if 32 H was an exit row and, second, I wanted her to look up my record and say "Ok, Mr. Galen! We've been waiting for you. Please take this new boarding pass for your seat in our coveted Business Elite section."
As to the first, this is a pretty accurate transcript:
ME: I'm on the flight to Paris. Can you tell me (handing her my boarding pass) if 33H is an exit row?
SHE: (Typing, typing, typing) Yes. That is an aisle seat.
ME: I know it is an aisle seat. Is it in an exit row?
SHE: (Pointing to the row number) If it was an exit row it would say so right there.
ME: Are there any bulkhead seats available?
SHE: No.
As to the second. You already know the answer to that.
The plane was scheduled to take off at about 7:10 pm so I wandered down to the gate area at about 6:30. On my way I stopped at the Fifth Third Bank office (all the jokes about the Fifth Third bank have already been told by people living IN Cincinnati) and changed a hundred dollars into French Francs. The exchange rate is about 7 FR to the dollar. The clerk told me she could give me 680 Francs for $99.68. This, as I did the long division in my head, appeared to be in the general range of seven-to-one so I did it.
People should not get into a projectile sweat over exchange rates unless they are going overseas to purchase heavy construction equipment. For most of us the difference between paying $20 for a gift and ten percent more because of a reduced exchange rate - $22 - is not worth worrying about.
There was some minor problem with boarding the plane. It seems that the computers in Atlanta were not able to produce a flight plan and they were trying to get a copy faxed to Cincinnati so that the flight crew could punch in all the coordinates.
I whispered to the guy standing next to me that they should just send it via owl. But he either didn't understand English or hadn't seen Harry Potter or didn't think I was amusing.
I spent the extra time trying to decide who was French and who was not. Some of the younger people with unruly hair got my vote on the grounds that they did not appear to have made extensive use of the many bathing opportunities which exist in the United States.
This part is true: Two guys whom I had made as Algerians were pulled aside by a Customs agent at the gate. In short order they were joined by three other Customs guys and two Immigration agents. After looking at their documents for a long time, they were taken into the jetway. The door closed behind them and I suspect they were not being offered a chance to board before everyone else.
At last a Delta employee came running down the hallway with the necessary papers in hand, went down the jetway and, one assumes, did not stop to share the flight plan with the now-missing Algerians.
The Business Elite passengers were called to board. After about five minutes the Delta Silver, Gold, and Platinum Medallion members were called.
I got on and crossed to the starboard side of the plane to walk to the coach section in which seat 33H was located.
After the boarding process was completed I noticed that the bulkhead aisle seat was available. I told the guy sitting next to me to hang onto my seat for a few minutes and if no one came to claim that seat he could have the row to himself.
No one did. There was a baby crying on my left. And another baby crying on my right. I didn't care. This is why they invented noise-canceling earphones. And this is why I bought a pair.
Bulkhead seats are good on overseas flights because you don't have to sit for six or seven hours with the seatback in front of you three inches from your nose.
The other advantage to sitting in the bulkhead was the rear section of the Business Elite cabin was directly in front me. I could see if there were any empty seats, as I had been told there would not be.
There were. Five.
I understand that some of the seats are reserved for crew rest time on long flights but I will tell you that the empty seat at the window on my side of the airplane was never used. By me or by anyone else.
The movie I watched was a Robert DiNero/Marlon Brando vehicle named "The Score." Marlon Brando is so fat he looked like he was playing Sidney Greenstreet and Orson Wells - at the same time.
Here were the menu choices for those in Business:
-- Grilled Porterhouse Lamb Chop with Balsamic Rosemary Sauce accompanied by a Rice and Vegetable Medley;
-- Marinated and pan-seared Halibut with Thai Green Curry Sauce, accompanied by Cilantro Jasmine Rice and stir-fried Vegetables.
-- Rigatone accented by Tomato Saffron Sauce, tossed with Eggplant, Zuccini, Basil and fire-roasted Red Bell Peppers (Smoked Sun-Dried Tomato Turkey Sausage may be added to this Entrée).
Here were the menu choices for those in Coach:
-- Tender Beef offered with seasonal Vegetables and Today's featured Side Dish
-- Today's Chicken Specialty presented with Vegetables and a hearty Side Dish
When the moment to choose came, I asked the flight attendant what was in "Today's Chicken Specialty."
"Chicken. It's a chicken dish."
"I know. I'm wondering what's in it."
She pulled out the piece of paper with the menu on it an pointed to "Today's Chicken Specialty."
"I can read that. I'm asking you how it is prepared."
"Oh. I don't know."
Here's the essential difference between Business and Coach. Flight attendants are angry with you for not being in Business Class. Or, maybe they're angry with Delta for making them serve in coach class.
I took "Today's Chicken Specialty" and ate it. It was chicken, egg noodles with a dab of tomato sauce.
It was, actually, pretty good. And even if I had hated it no one has ever starved to death on an air flight.
Except for those rugby players in the Andes that time.
Continued.