---

I got a call from the Republican National Committee communications shop asking if I would like to go on the Phil Donahue show to talk about why President Bush isn't holding many press conferences.

This is marginally better than the Montel Williams show - which I have also been on - so I agreed and waited for a producer to call.

About an hour later a producer did, in fact, call, and talked to me about where I would like to go to do the show (400 North Capitol Street) and what the "hit time" would be.

Those of us who are well-schooled in the ways of television like to use jargon like "hit time."

The hit time was about 8:15 and the producer instructed me to be there about 45 minutes early.

"Why," I asked?

"We ask all our guests to come early."

"Why?"

"Well, maybe you can just bring something to read."

"Well, maybe I can just come in plenty of time."

Then, out of the blue he said, "Don't believe everything you read about the ratings."

I said I wouldn't.

He continued: "You only hear about the bad nights. You never hear about the good nights."

"Is this going to be a good night or a bad night?"

He didn't know.

The best show on MSNBC is Nachman. Far and away. The Saturday before the show officially started they called me and asked if I would like to come on for a test show.

As I have already been on Montel, I said yes.

The producer told me "Mr. Nachman has a rule that all his guests have to be at the studio an hour ahead of their hit time.

This, remember is the Saturday night before the show even starts. It is an exhibition game!

I said to tell Mr. Nachman that (1) his show hasn't even started yet so he can't possibly have a rule and (2) if he insists on his rule he'd better be prepared to do a one-hour monologue every night because NOBODY in Washington is going to sit around for an hour.

Not even me.

The producer explained that there would be a Democrat and Donahue and that Donahue is "not a journalist."

I said I knew. I said "He's a professional talk show host. Not a problem. I'm a professional talk show guest."

Here's how eager I am to be on television - in addition to doing Montel, I mean: On Labor Day morning, I was on MSNBC at eight o'clock. Let me tell you. At 8:00 on Labor Day morning even the people in the control room weren't watching.

Wait! It gets worse!

They asked me to come back on at 10. I said yes, and did.

Together, 17 people didn't see me.

All right, so I went to MSNBC and got there at about 7:35. I was going to wait around outside for ten more minutes just to make my point but I decided that would be childish and chicken - even for me - so I went on up.

In the make-up room I told the ladies that I wanted to do Donahue while it was still on the air. They laughed nervously. I said some other hilarious things and they laughed loudly. As they were laughing my cell phone rang.

It was a woman from MSNBC in New Jersey.

"This is Rich."

"Mr. Galen? This is _____ from Donahue."

"What can I do for you?"

"I'm ... I'm just checking on your status."

Remember these women are laughing in the background.

"I'm at a bar. Say, what studio am I supposed to go to for this show?"

There was a long pause after which I let her off the hook and told her I was in makeup.

Does Donahue have a high percentage of people who, after they've told their moms their going to be on, don't show up?

Oh, and while I'm telling recent television stories, I was on CNN's Talk Back Live program last week. This is very close to a Montel Williams appearance.

The CNN producer called with several topics we were going to discuss. TBL is one of the few programs which still has four guests. The good news is: you can hide if you don't like a particular topic. The bad news is: you can't make your point if you do like a topic.

I forget, now, what the topics were, but one of the topics we were supposed to discuss - but didn't get to - was the notion that the Miss America contest was planning to allow viewers to e-mail suggested questions to the participants during the "I'm for world peace" segment.

The producer had asked me to think of a question I might ask.

Actually, I thought of two:

1. Are those real?
2. Have they been in your personal control since you packed them this morning?

I moved onto the set at about 8:00 which means I will sit there for longer than I usually like, but they had worn me down. I studied my notes which are reproduced here.

I plugged in my earphone - I have my own earphone. In the days of THE SCANDAL they ran people in and out of those studios about eighteen times an hour. They always said they washed each earpiece down with alcohol between guests, but there were some guys walking out - as I was walking in - who made me think, "Nothing that has touched his body is going to touch my body.

The earpiece which looks like a Secret Service thingee, is called an IFB. I believe that stands for "Internal Feed Back."

All I know is, when I walk into a studio on the road and I pull out my very own IFB it is like going to a strange town and pulling your own bowling ball out of the trunk of your car.

They KNOW you're a pro!

When I pull out my little make up bag, then - well, let's just say they send out for coffee!

So, I was sitting on the set, listening to the chatter on the IFB. I hear Donahue chatting with Senator Bob Graham of Florida.

Donahue was asking him how many people had testified in closed sessions. Then he asked whether they would be the same people who testified in open sessions.

Graham calmly explained the process and that they had interviewed many more people than actually had testified.

Donahue said he understood and the show started.

As he was talking to Graham Donahue asked him, again, how many people had testified in closed sessions. When Graham said many of them would also testify in open session, Donahue almost fainted with surprise.

"So you KNOW what these people are going to say? Is it all JUST FOR SHOW?"

In effect, Donahue was doing EXACTLY what he was accusing Graham of doing - pretending he didn't know what the answer was going to be.

Graham is a Democrat but he's not new at this. He let Donahue spit and dribble and, again, calmly explained the process.

When it came time for my segment (which, as Graham hadn't risen to the bait started earlier than planned) they introduced Bob Zimmerman who is a Democrat from New York and some guy who is a professor of history at a university in Virginia. He was in Seattle.

I wanted to ask why, if the semester had just started, he was all the way in Seattle, but I didn't have the chance.

He, it turned out, was also not a Bush fan so now it was three against one.

Finally! A fair fight!

We went through the segment. Everyone did their act, including me, and it was over.

I'm glad I got to do Donahue, but it wasn't as much fun as Montel.

(Copyright � 2002 Richard A. Galen)

Click here to return to the Secret Decoder Ring page