A MULLINGS EXCLUSIVE!

Bill Clinton says he would 'fight and die' for Israel

NEW YORK (AP) - Former President Clinton ( news - web sites), who avoided the Vietnam War, told Jewish supporters in Toronto that he would fight and die to protect Israel if Iraq or Iran ever invaded.

"The Israelis know that if the Iraqi or the Iranian army came across the Jordan River, I would personally grab a rifle, get in a ditch, and fight and die," Clinton said to cheers at a Hadassah children's charity fund-raising dinner this week.

What follows is a double-secret transcript of the induction interview between Bill Clinton and a recruiting sergeant of the Israeli army:

SGT: Name?

RECRUIT: William Jefferson Clinton.

SGT: Clinton? Is that a Jewish name?

CLINTON: No, sir. It's not. But some people say I was the first Jewish president.

SGT: President of what?

CLINTON: President of the United States. I was also the first Black president.

SGT: Ok. You have to answer a few simple questions. First: Do you have any military experience?

CLINTON: Yes.

SGT: Describe your military experience.

CLINTON: Well, I learned how to salute during the Transition back in 1992. I thought you were supposed to bend your thumb underneath when you saluted; but they taught me to keep my thumb next to my index finger. I got pretty good. I could really snap one off when I stepped off Marine One.

SGT: You never served in the United States military?

CLINTON: Oh! That! Hell, I was the Commander-in-Chief! Of course I served. I saluted and everything.

SGT: Have you ever been indicted?

CLINTON: Well, that depends on your definition of "indicted." I was never indicted by a grand jury.

SGT: Let me ask another way. Have you ever had to testify at your own trial?

CLINTON: No. Absolutely not. Never had to testify. Nope.

SGT: Have you ever had your license revoked or suspended?

CLINTON: Like, driver's license? No. Absolutely not. Nope.

SGT: Any other kind of license?

CLINTON: Suspended? No. Now, a fair-minded person would not consider having SURRENDERED a license - like a, um, I don't know, like, say, a license to practice law - for a brief period of time - a suspension, so, no. Absolutely not. Nope.

SGT: You said that you wanted to die for Israel?

CLINTON: That's not exactly what I said. What I said was "if the Iraqi or the Iranian army came across the Jordan River, I would personally grab a rifle, get in a ditch, and fight and die."

SGT: Did you know that neither Iraq nor Iran border the Jordan River?

CLINTON: Imagine that.

SGT: Did you know that Iraq would have to march all the way across Syria or Jordan before they got to Israel?

CLINTON: Hmm. Really?

SGT: And that Iran would have to cross Iraq AND Syria or Jordan before they got to Israel?

CLINTON: That far. Who knew?

SGT: Mr. Clinton what about the notion of Iraq launching missiles against Israel?

CLINTON: That would be bad.

SGT: But would that qualify as "coming across the Jordan River?"

CLINTON: No. I would have to say not. That would not qualify.

SGT: So it would take an actual soldier crossing the River for you to "grab a rifle, get in a ditch, and fight and die?"

CLINTON: I believe I said "army" the Iraqi or Iranian ARMY.

SGT: So, not a company?

CLINTON: Oh, no.

SGT: Battalion?

CLINTON: I don't think so.

SGT: A brigade? A division? A corps?

CLINTON: You know, I always wanted to ask the difference between a brigade and a division, but I had to practice that saluting.

SGT: Next -

CLINTON: And, there would have to be a ditch. An actual ditch. I said I would "get in a ditch." If there were no ditch, I believe a fair-minded person would agree that Israel had not kept its part of the bargain.

SGT: This is a desert. We don't have that many ditches.

CLINTON: Well, then ...

SGT: These men standing behind you. Are they willing to fight also?

CLINTON: I can't speak for them. They're my security detail.

SGT: (To a Secret Service Agent) Would you be willing to watch this man "get in a ditch, and fight and die?"

AGENT: (Not smiling) We've watched him do worse.

CLINTON: Say, on that point. In the Israeli army, female soldiers get into ditches, too, right?

SGT: (Stamping a form) Mr. Clinton. We'll get back to you.

CLINTON: Does this mean you won't accept me in the Israeli army?

SGT: Yes. That's what it means.

CLINTON: Whew.

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Copyright (c) 2002 Richard A. Galen