I have been away on a family cruise from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida; to St. Maartens, Netherlands Antilles; to Princess Cay, Bahamas; back to Ft. Lauderdale.
I spent much of the first day singing, out loud, "Cruisin' ... On a sunny afternoon." After several hours of entertaining all of my family and many, many appreciative fellow passengers, The Lad pulled me aside to inform me that the lyric to the Rascals' tune is "Groovin' ... on a Sunday Afternoon."
Kids.
Seven days aboard the "Golden Princess" of, no surprise here, the Princess Cruise Line which was made famous in the TV show "The Love Boat." This ship carries 2,600 passengers in 996 staterooms and carries more than 1,100 crewmembers. It is over 300 yards long, has nine restaurants, five pools, 16 passenger elevators, and a bar every 12 feet.
Here's the rule for my next cruise: It will be aboard a smaller ship with many fewer total passengers. It will have a severe limit on the number of passengers from New York - maybe seven. Seven New Yorkers for a week is probably enough.
You want an idea for a new reality show? Put hidden cameras and microphones in the public areas of a cruise ship full of New Yorkers. And you won't need that many microphones.
New Yorkers never whisper when they can talk; and they never talk when they can yell. They talk like the person with whom they are communicating is 36 miles away even when that person is only 36 INCHES from them.
And that accent is so, so - what's the word? - soothing.
With 2,600 passengers there are certain necessary rules. For example, there is a rule that deck chairs are not to be saved. Hah.
People were not just saving an extra deck chair for their spouse or their kid. Noooooooo. Passengers were saving DOZENS of deck chairs for everyone in their neighborhood - even those who were not on the cruise.
Rather than using the universal system of marking territory we regularly see on the Animal Planet channel, they would put towels on a few chairs; one flip-flop each on a couple of others; a paperback book on each of a few more; walkman earphones - EARPHONES - on yet another; and so on.
In spite of a great deal of shouting and arm waving; and much rolling of eyes and mumbled threats; there was only one actual physical confrontation - a tug-of-war for a particular chair. No one was thrown over the side which, in and of itself, would have made the entire trip worthwhile.
There was plenty of food. There were no cases of Norwalk virus. There was, in fact, a Lido Deck upon which I sat, but not in knee-high black socks nor rubber gloves.
For most of the trip I found this whole experience from mildly amusing to flat-out hilarious.
But at 10:45 on Friday morning, on Princess Cay (a private island in the Bahamas owned by Princess Cruise Lines) amid yet more opportunities to purchase t-shirts, get my hair braided, charge a pi�a colada to my stateroom (15 percent tip automatically included for my convenience), and generally spend money and/or eat every minute of every day; I finally had enough as we tussled with not just one, but two, different groups for chairs along the beach.
I suspect the cause was information underload: I had not kept up with the news in six days. With an internet connection costing $30 per hour and calls from the ship $120 per hour, there was no efficient way to keep up. The shops near the cruise ship docks are devoted to selling watches and bracelets, not newspapers. The ship's television system carried CNN International which, on principal, I refuse to watch.
After five days of standing in long lines, aboard a rolling ship, amid loud passengers, I yearned for the three "S's:" Solitude, Stability, and Silence.
As this was a trip honoring my mom on her 80th birthday, spending Christmas with my siblings; their kids; their spouses; the Mullings Director of Standards & Practices; and The Lad was very satisfying and very important.
And I got a great tan.
On the Secret Decoder Ring today: A link to an extremely boring photo collection of The Cruise, an excellent Catchy Caption, a short history of the Young rascals, and a pretty good Mullfoto.
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